I just realized that it has been awhile since I have posted on this blog. When I was finished with my second round of Chemo (pill form) I started settling into home...thinking I would have some "Joy" time before they started me up again.
How dare I think that, breast cancer had another story for me. Not so fast. I'm not quite finished with you "said the nasty LADY! I had a horrible week following going off chemo!
I Went to Stanford the day I finished up on my second round. I had on schedule a boat load of blood tests....One seeing how the Chemo was working on me. They took all the tests then sent us home, we should hear back from them by the end of the weekend.
Well, we heard back and it was not so good. The Chemo I had been taking didn't do a thing to stop the cancer, it was growing just a little, my stats were up just a little. So they were going to work on other treatment ideas and then get back to us.
I was still to stay on the Letrozole it is a Hormone blocker. (yes lucky me a woman getting cancer because of her Hormones)
Dan and I were grappling with the feeling of loss, isolation, and even confusion about why the chemo wasn't working like we thought it should. I went into Stanford confident that things would be looking better.
We had a little pity party for a couple hours....cried that out. We had worked very hard to grow in faith and resilience through this challenge, it can be very easy to think that the Lord is not hearing your requests, confronted with yet another frightening and serious setback Lord Please don't let me down.
Lessons I've learned from others and now I'm learning.
Heavenly Father, I'm trying so hard to trust you. Please don't let me down." The answer formed quickly and clearly in her mind, Daughter, I'm not trying to trust you. I do trust you. you can do this. I will help you."-Wendy Ulrich
All of our married life we have been re-builders- Home makeovers, business re-builders, home builders, taking care of our elderly parents, helping our children through collage and missions, re building a child's life who had a stroke at birth, helping a husband through cancer, rebuilding after every loss...broken bone, sad heart and secret rebuilding when others may needed it. etc.
What do you do when your home is destroyed? You start over. You do the same with you hit a road block with cancer. So now what? Questioning your survival when other people have died is normal. Let that feeling out, but don't let it consume you.
So here we go.
Our neuroscience oncology Dr. for the longest time ,way back when this all started, wanted to put (an Ommaya Reservior in my head) to administer chemo straight to my head . WE did not want to do that...He kept pushing us, we kept saying no! It was a battle to say to the least. (I just didn't want a reservoir in my head for the rest of my life! Especially because we heard injecting it in the spinal fluid was just as good....just harder for the Dr. to administer.) I've had several spinal taps done and its no big deal. Then they started to claim that no one at Stanford knew how to do it....REAlly!!
Danny got a little hot under the hat and things started happening.
But we didn't give in and so finely aftert about 3 months they are doing it our way. You really have to learn to look out for yourself.
Friday Feb. 10th 2017 ....WE finely talked the team to into Intrathecal Spinal infusion of chemo. It took them 4 hours to prepare for the infusion. Mainly because I think they were learning on the job and I think they were hoping I would give into having a port put in my head...(no such luck).
The procedure when very well....There was one miss of the needle and made to jump big time...it felt like I put a knife in a outlet. (first time that ever happened...but it may have turned out to be the miracle we would looking for)
After we finished at Stanford we heading straight home (traffic) Got home and went straight to bed.
After waking up....got out of bed and noticed right away that I was walking so much better...like 100 times better. Could it of been that electrical shock I felt in my legs during the spinal infusion? Or perhaps the new drug.? Thank you Heavenly father for our small miracle.
I'm On day two of chemo in my spine and everything seems really good. I do this procedure twice a month, along with a Bone strengthening infusion. All is well.
I chuckled to myself when I think of the people who have said (in different iterations mostly at the hospital) to me, "Cancer is a gift. Look how strong you are becoming look what you are learning. You could never have done this if it was not for cancer...REALLY! IN. NO. WAY. IS. CANCER. A. GIFT!
Just ask Audrey (smile) I know I need to help her a little in this department....so she is happy and looks for the good....But some days I feel the same.
It is fun to have the kids so close by...they add so much joy to our life. Valentines cookie decorating,
Can you tell who made this cookie? I give you a hint....Denver. (smile)
Grandchildren add so much joy!
Taking a break, physically or emotionally, by going for a walk, putting on some music, playing with grandchildren, being creative small trips
Things I've learned-
- Protect and pray for those you care about
- writing more letters...my goal this month
- holding family meetings
- sharing faith
- Others really do love you, and want to mourn with you, comfort you, help you and share your burden
So, here we go on another stage of this battle. We are hopeful, happy and love each and everyone of you.
We are positive and work hard. Life is good and we are more than blessed.
I believe in a Loving Heavenly Father, So I acknowledge and thank Him, His Son Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost for the precious gift of life , agency, sacrifice, and the comfort and the love that he gives me that I trust Him in all things. come what may. In the Name of Jesus Christ amen
To my Kids, Shannon, Sam, Kent, Denver, Mason and all their lovely wive's and children....and my blessed husband. My life is perfect thanks to you...I love you. Mom