(my new wig)
Last weekend Dan, Steve, Sandi and I took a much looked forward- to trip down the Californian Northern coast- Hwy 1. We had planned on doing it last year; but then I got sick.
I was feeling really good and was walking so much better, so it was a perfect time to get away.
Just a couple days before we left, I met with Dr. Sledge and things looked good. He wanted me to get a CT scan before we left because it had been awhile since my last one and he wanted to see how things were coming along.
So he scheduled me for a full body Scan. Let me tell you a little something about CT Scans....just in case you ever need one.
The first thing they do is to enter an IV line- then you go to the room where the Ct scan will be administered.....and this is where my help will come in handy for you. The technician lays you on the bed..( it looks much like a MRI unit) and says....I'm going to inject the fluid now, you will feel very warm....but everything will be fine. I'm like, Okay, I like warm.
Then they moved me in the CT Scan.. It does get warm....but it also makes you feel like you are wetting your pants!!! big time....the first time I had this done I actually called out to him saying I was wetting the bed. His response...no you are not! And sure enough I didn't.
I've had this done several times- the second time the guy said the same thing...that I would feel warm. I've reminded the technicians...to be more specific for first timers...tell them you will feel like you wet your self, and not to worry you won't. This last time the technician knew me and said thanks for the help....now I don't have people wanting to get out in the middle of the scan.
Now back to our trip.
Our first night was in Redding....from there we made out way over to Hwy 1. Such a beautiful drive, we stopped as we wanted.
The drive was so beautiful and oh so green! On St Patrick's day we ended up at Fern canyon, not to far from Crescent City.
Half way through our trip, I received a call from Dr. Sledge, which is never a good sign. He usually has his team call me with reports. He calls when its not very good news...,so yikes. He wanted to report on my CT scan I just had. A few new tumors showed up in my liver...my liver had been clear before. He wanted me to come in on Tuesday for a new form of Chemo call Taxol. We took the news pretty good. I don't think I felt too bad....just a little disappointed....Because just two weeks early we had great news about several tumors that a reduced in size by quit a bit.
I am learning that there are many ups and downs every month.
We carried on with our trip and had a wonderful time. The little house that we stayed at had a beautiful view and a awesome hot tub. Check my IG account for more pictures of our trip...link to the right.
I have found that through this whole cancer journey it is very important to let the light in. That sounds simple enough and it is. Unfortunately, the adversary is working overtime to confuse, make us sad, tempt, and encourages us to compare our trials to others....even helping us to judge others...by doing this he leads us away from the light into darkness.
I find when I think I have it pretty bad and why does so and so have it so much better....the light leaves....and I don't feel very good.
I try not to let that happen.
Through this trial I have moments when I have been judged....people shaking their finger for parking in the handicap space, people saying that I shouldn't wear a wig, (really)? people thinking I don't have it that bad....how can she, shes look perfectly fine....and so on.
When that happens...sometimes....I just want to give them this list.
In the last two weeks-
- Ct scan
- 3 tumors found in liver
- Started taxol chemo which took 6 hours
- Chemo spinal tap 3 hours (depocyte)
- pain in my legs
- throwing up.
- 4 or 5 IV
- 4 blood tests
- 4 dr. visits
But I don't, I just smile....and try not to judge them.
I think people say that, because I really do try to look my best when I'm out in public. Plus I want to look like a woman.... wigs, eyebrows, and makeup.
I've learned to be more kind also.... I know we should not judge by appearances.
I'm stepping out on a big ledge to show you this picture. It makes me cry, not so much because of the way I look, but what this means.
That I'm now a patient for Danny to take care of. That I have to learn to walk all over again. That I have chemo, scans, tests and dr. appointments, and not able to eat what I like and I don't really feel like myself.
But it also means that I'm doing better at not judging or comparing my trials to others. I've learned the power of little things.
You really learn something about yourself when you spend hours each week going through these things. I've tried to find ways to help in little ways....and I think I'm doing okay. What do we learn about our-self from the movies we watch and videos we watch or how do we feel when we read to a 3 or 4 year old , smile or say something nice....because that's about all I can do?
Many of us have legitimate reasons to feel like victims because maybe we are. I love this quote from Jewish psychiatrist Viktor Frankl who endured years of unspeakable horror in Nazi death camps He said:
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one's own way."
Every woman can bless the lives of others in countless ways when she puts into practice the principles of love, caring and kindness. Little things matter. This sweet lady played her harp for me while going through my 6 hour taxol treatment.
I am so thankful for all the kindness and little tender mercies.
I have learned to have realistic exceptions for myself, I know I will have good days and some darker days. But I promise myself to look more to light. When I do, I feel so much better.
Heavenly Father loves His children. I know he wants us to be happy, and if we make our best efforts to qualify for his spirit, I know that Christ will acknowledge the goodness in our hearts and give his light to us.
Thank you sweet friends for all you help.